Joy after the pain

I don't know how to start this blog post so I will begin with ...well, the beginning. Years ago, 22 to be exact, a phone call changed my life forever. I was going to have a new baby sister from my Dad's second marriage. Quite honestly, I was devastated and did not understand why he would want or need one more child. After all he had 5 healthy kids from my mom. I was in fact, still hurt from their divorce at that point 10 years earlier. Sounds ridiculous now...especially reading it on paper but the pain and confusion was very real and I didn't know how to cope. I am reminded daily in life even still that we don't always "get to know" why we are handed certain cards. Why do seemingly bad things have to happen that in the natural make no sense at all. Painful hard things...that we carry along in life. Visiting with good friends at a high school reunion reminded once again the year my parents divorced, the 62 days of school I missed that year, and my exit to boarding school the next year to escape the pain of that time in my life. Back to the phone call... a month after that call, I traveled to see my Dad in North Carolina...he would have my little sister with him. Nervously, I swallowed my hurt and made the trip not knowing what to expect. I still remember the moment I first held Hannah. It was one of the sweetest moments in my life because I felt the grace of God reach down and heal my heart....in less than a gasp of air. I was in love with this child...the sweetest face, the most perfect smile, and a heart that would accept me too, unconditionally. This past weekend she gave me a list of 48 reasons why she loved me. It means everything to me. My greatest pain is now one of my greatest joys. I LOVE YOU HANNAH! You are my grace angel.

The long journey back

I've recently committed myself to BOOT CAMP for the next four months. It will involve great discipline with hopefully a return to a former way of living for me. Almost twenty years ago I moved to Branson, Missouri and began a grueling schedule of two shows a day, 7 days a week working alongside my Dad. I didn't have much time for anything but I did jog - boy, did I jog. I have quite literally run all over Branson.. golf courses, woods, tracks, the college, anywhere I could run. (imagine Forrest Gump running here) At the end of that first year my weight was 149 and I was in the best shape of my life. I kept a running journal every day and enjoyed making daily entries. If I traveled out of town I made time to run. My favorite jog was a run through Key West at 5 am in the morning while there on a scuba diving trip. I loved seeing the town all by myself in the early morning hours. I don't know if I want to run again...my knees are not as strong as they were but I do want to move again and enjoy the things of my childhood. It's the transformation I seek, the sheer joy of setting a goal and accomplishing it. It is the long journey back and I am on my way!

O Canada O Canada

Weeks after my vacation to Ucluelet, BC I am still thinking about the woods there. They are "deep and lovely" and we had pristine weather while there, something they don't always get. The town over, Tolfino is in fact known for "storm watching." My life keeps taking me back to Canada for some reason. As a child we made some memorable trips to Canada...driving from Nashville with my Uncle Richard and his family. I don't remember much, other than getting lost in Ontario and being rescued while our boat was broken down on the shores of some unknown lake. It was a trip of a life time as a small kid. My second trip to Canada was the summer of 1981, a fishing trip to northern Quebec. The fishing was superb, the bugs big, and I was in love ( not with the fish or bugs). We actually flew in on a Beaver prop plane and landed on finger lakes we were to fish. What an adventure! I've never seen trout as gorgeous as when they are pulled right out of dark, dark water. The pike I didn't care for...too many teeth. I then traveled to Toronto some years ago. I walked throughout the city and was taken by their beautiful cathedrals. I spent a Saturday afternoon praying in one of those cathedrals. This last trip to Canada, life has turned again and I traveled there with my kids and my husband of four years. It was just as memorable, just as beautiful and I have found love again...with Canada. So here are my top ten things I like about Canada....

1) The people are great!
2) Their woods are pristine
3) Rasberries and heavy cream
4) Beautiful lush farm lands
5) Their grocery stores rock!
6) Their lakes, fishing and outdoor life
7) It's affordable
8) Buchart Gardens (you have to see to believe)
9) Victoria (a lovely city)
10) I like their flag

Oh to read a poem

My daughter and I discovered recently that we share a love for Robert Frost. It led to a moment of sharing as we talked about our favorite poems. It was sparked by a link to www.poets.org my sister Pam sent to me after her return from Ireland. It reminded me once again of the power of the written word. Katherine has learned to love reading too and I am grateful. Many times during my life I have returned to the comfort of a good poem. William Wordsworth, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Hugh Prather, and yes Robert Frost all take me back instantly to my boarding school days. It seemed a chore at the time memorizing poems for the school declaration day but now I am grateful. I can even recite a few lines of Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot and still marvel at the lyrical pace of this poem. Katherine's inspired me too to read more of the recent poems written. A good summer task I believe. To quote one of my favorite poems " oh do not ask what is it, let us go and make our visit.."

Easter Chickens

Our Dad was famous in our eyes for bringing home gifts from the road throughout our childhood. One particular time he arrived home from England with a set of Beatles lunch boxes, each came with a neat thermos. We danced around with joy for hours until after later inspection we realized they were all stamped on the bottom with "Nashville Airport." We were crushed.

Easter always reminds me of one of those "special gifts." This particular Easter he came home with brightly colored baby chickens, one for each of us. We were thrilled with our new little pets. They were much easier to handle than the baby crocodiles he brought home the year before. They met their demise after eating too much bologna and surviving in our bathtub. Mom was not happy. Back to the chickens, after hours of amusing myself with my energetic sweet little pink chicken I decided to see what my siblings were up to. I happily skipped around the corner of our 1960's ranch house only to be tackled hard by my much younger, smaller brother Sonny Boy. Something was drastically wrong. I was so surprised at the strength of his tackle that I began laughing hysterically because I knew something was amiss. After screams of laughter and agony mixed in Pam and Connie came running. I felt he was hiding something from me. I yelled "Sonny Boy is hiding something!" They soon discovered his little lavendar colored chicken at deaths door in a deep puddle nearby left over from a rain storm. Sonny Boy had confused his chicken for a duck in trying to make it swim...minutes later the chick took it's last breath. Sonny was devastated that he had killed his pet, not knowing the difference between a chicken and a duck. We consoled him as best we could. We secretly wondered what Dad would bring home the next year.

Since that time, I've learned that chocolate bunnies make the best gifts at Easter, and the only agony involved is the stomach ache your kids have later.

Small sacrifices heap big rewards

It doesn't seem right that the school year is two months away from being over, or that I have will have two children in high school next year. I can't stop time, so I won't begin to stress on that topic. I've learned in parenting, that often it's the small sacrifices that don't seem important at the time that your kids notice. I was reminded of that this week when my son told me at the last minute that he had to have a judge for a speech tournament, it would mean 100 points to his grade. I was originally scheduled to be out of town at a women's retreat from church - something I was really looking forward to but I decided it was worth more to be there for my son than for a few days away with my friends. I let his teacher know and within the hour I had the most endearing text from my son, it was simple..."thanks mom..I love you so much." The words still ring in my heart days since and I know I made the right decision, it was worth those few words I'll treasure. It was just as restoring as my planned women's retreat and I realized that occasionally it's the small sacrifices that heap big rewards!

Loaded question

I marvel at the status updates that come through Facebook and the all encompassing "what are doing " question on Twitter. The questions are simple on the surface but far too often I find myself musing over my responses. It shouldn't be that hard. I suspect it has something to do with the running list of items I work on simulataneoulsy while darting back in forth between kids, laundry, husband, dogs, homework, reading, and my next task list. It's exhausting so I am thankful for Sunday afternoons at mom's with nothing much to do but watch movies, drink coffee, talk about everyone else who's not in the room (a Tillis tradition) and stress over the lack of cookies in the house. I treasure my time with my mom, though she doesn't know it. A nap on her couch makes the world seem right again and I'll take that any time over a quick answer to a Facebook status update.